Gay guys with girlfriends: Wha’ the-?

This weekend I accompanied a friend to a birthday party here in San Francisco.

Said party was being held at a bar, that, based on the clientele, seemed to be chiefly a lesbian hangout. Being a non-drinking heterosexual male, hanging out at a lesbian bar is very refreshing- there is nothing going on in that establishment that requires any form of action from me. Having nothing to prove, it was a pretty fun evening.

But I noticed something peculiar.

My friend and I were chatting with one of the guys there, a very nice gay boy. He mentioned something in passing about his ex-girlfriend, which I figured was just a figure of speech. Then he introduced us to his current girlfriend and proceeded to hold her hand and put his arm around her and do other things that one might do with one’s girlfriend. She was, among other things, a girl. Like born biologically, currently gender identified, socially signified, unambiguous, straight-up girl. Who was the girlfriend. Of a gay guy.

Now, let’s be clear: I’ve lived in San Francisco for over eight years now, frequently had gay roommates throughout my life, have a social circle that is about fifty percent same-sex oriented and worked for three and a half years in a company that served the gay and lesbian market. I know a gay boy when I see one- I still occasionally do false negatives but I almost never do a false positive.

This was not the guy in college who has a girlfriend because he doesn’t know he’s gay yet. This was not the closeted gay or bi guy who’s with a woman but secretly fools around with men on the side. This was not an FTM who’s dating a lesbian. Or any other ambiguous phenotypes you might name. This was, in speech, mannerisms, facial hair arrangement, dress, and any other signifier you can think to name a straight out of the Castro San Francisco gay boy. And his girlfriend.

But that’s not all. At the counter there was another blazingly apparent gay guy locked in several forms of steamy embrace with a curvy, non-draggy, non-tranny, non-MTF woman. Scattered around the room there seemed to be a few other examples.

Have I missed something? Is there a new trend? Was there an article in the New York Times about it recently that I just glossed over?

Don’t get me wrong, there’s some considerable appeal to the idea of living in a polyamorous garden of delight where anybody could be going out with anybody else, regardless of gender or orientation, at any time. It does change the competitive landscape in potentially troubling ways, though. I’m not sure I can dress as well as, be as funny as, or be in obsessively as good shape as, your average gay boy. No fair re-setting the bar that high!
Maybe it’s time for me to get a Queer Eye makeover after all…

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3 thoughts on “Gay guys with girlfriends: Wha’ the-?

  1. Anonymous

    My best friend(lets just call her jen)has been with her bf for about 2 yr. n 5 months n we've always thought there was something a lil off about her bf. Some of us think hes gay and the others believe that hes just too sheltered but jen just recently told me some stuff that just made everything a lot more clear. She called me crying say that she had another argument with her bf. She told me about all the problems that they've been having n how she trys to not think about it but its just to obvious now. im just gonna go ahead n list everythingHe dosen't introduce her to older male friends, he stopped brushing his teeth so she wouldnt kiss him, he's not as intimate as he used to be in bed, hes been requesting anal sex from her much more than before, and the icing on the cake is that hes stopped going down on her completely!! Keep in mind jen is one of the most hygienic girls ive ever met in my life lol .. its really not funny but everything i thought about this guy is coming true n its horrible bc i know that she loves him n thats whats kept her with him for so long even though she had her doubts. The other crazy shit was when she tried talking to him about why he doesn't go down anymore. He said he doesn't think about it n she asked why n he got mad at her n said if i wasn't a normal heterosexual male i wouldn't go down on u at all n she was like that just it though.. you don't .. u don't even think about it n he got pissed n took her home. Now ain't that some bullshit!! I was so mad when i heard this from her. All I'm saying is that gay guys need to just be on the DL if they really are that scared of coming out instead of hurting a straight girl. i mean she really loves him & this is what she gets … a scared fag. & then they wonder why alot of people hate them. Its not just out of disgust but the fact that their fear has hurt so many women & if you think about it men too bc what if there was another man that actually loved a women who was already in a relationship with a gay man but didnt find out until she got married to him, had kids n then ends up getting divorced bc the guy figures out or is just tired of living a lie n decides that he loves another guy n leaves her. So she just wasted her life with a scared fag when she could've been with the other guy & the other guys with another women but always wonders how his life wouldve been with the other woman. You know what i mean!? Damn i really got into this but idk i just feel really bad for her n it got me thinking about all this shit you know? I just hope that if you're gay n you're reading this you think about what your doing when you realize that u may not be into girls. It's not fair to them to hide your true feelings n its not fair to yourself .. even if your bi . You need to giver her the option . let her know who you are. Bc in that there is true love.

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